Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Art of Telling Someone They Got Fat

is it better to sink or to swim?

i suppose it depends on the crocodiles.

i hate to be lied to about my food.

i hate lying to my food.

i hate when my food just lies there.

i hate the word lay.

unless i’m getting laid.

people need to relax more.

it’s just a joke after all.

who doesn’t love a good cup of guilt?

watching the news is like playing russian roulette.

i would not like to be a fly on the wall.

always trust a woman’s intuition.

never trust my sense of direction.

sometimes you’re the fly and sometimes you’re the wall.

you know, i’m still curious about those mints.

in most airports i'd be considered a suspicious package.

is that a suspicious package, or are you just happy to see me?

never gets old.

everyone gets old.

do you ever feel like your mind is stuck on a continuous loop, like one of those old school record players that keeps going round and round and round until you just want to scream or bitch slap whoever invented the fucking thing in the first place, and then find yourself standing there panting like some kind of hyped up coked-out chihuahua thinking what the fuck happened to me and how did i get here?


me either.

motivation sucks.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna has been working at the library to help pay for her schooling. she is putting books away when a woman comes up to ask for assistance.
woman – i’m looking for a book.
jenna – sure, no problem, what book are you looking for.
woman – it’s for class. dr. (name has been removed) class
jenna – ok, do you have the title of the book?
woman – it’s on the syllabus.
jenna – ok, just going to need the name of the book and i can find it for you.
woman – i’ll be right back. (comes back ) 350.
jenna – is the name of the book?
woman – no the class number.
jenna – oh, i just need the name of the book then i can help you out.
woman – (goes away and comes back) it’s by barton.
jenna – the book is by barton? and the name of the book is….(jenna types in last name and see’s 100’s of listings) i have a lot of books by barton.
woman – it’s for the 350 class.
jenna – oh ok (pretending to type) i see it, oooo sorry i think it’s been checked out…but i’m leaving here in 5 minutes, so maybe you should check back with one of the other librarians ok?

i really need to stay away from customer service.

don't call it a comeback.


PunkRockRunner said...

What if you had the option to swim in your sink? Then you cold kill two birds with one stone. Actually you would be drowning two birds with one swim. I still don’t know what you have against birds in the first place.

I guess we’ve answered that “will you be wearing white on your wedding day” query.

Oh, I had this girlfriend (Pam Nye) who claimed to have a “sense of intuition” and we ate Frit-o-lay chips on her couch once. I don’t know about you but a potato chip with the word “lay” in it is something I can get behind. Well, that & Pam… I’m here all week, tip your waitress.

Welcome back tiny one.


Jim said...

Hun, seriously after all I taught you and all the people you had to deal with when we worked together, one person who doesn't seem to understand that you need a book title bothered you? I think I may have failed in my teachings. At least you realized to pretend to care and give some bullshit line and walk away.

Anonymous said...

<3 it!

Jocelyn said...

Amazing sister!!! haha so fun, and yet thought provoking. :)

blackstocks said...

Hahaha. I hate when the crocs are in the sink...makes dishwashing hard.

Great job! So happy to see the first blog of 2011!! Keep at it tiny one.