Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Art of Long Goodbyes with Short People


oh wait, i haven't started yet.

i have the unique ability to sound like a bitch when I'm trying to be humble.

i think technology is trying to fuck with my mind.

sometimes there is nothing to do in a day but count how many times your co-worker breathes through the mouth.

my manhattan building did a fire drill on 9/11. they couldn't wait a day?

sometimes i get so bored that i keep forgetting what words mean.

i still play that childhood game when walking to the subway, "don't step on a crack or you'll break your mothers back."

hopefully this does not directly effect my mother’s back.

oh well, i was never the favorite anyway.

everyone keeps telling me i'm soaking wet. well, it is raining outside.

ahhhh self medication. ain't it funny?

i find you to be a pathological liar.

but i could be lying.

why do people always say let sleeping dogs lie?

i say wake the bastards up.

but let the liars sleep. who needs that fucking nonsense on a monday morning?

sometimes i wish i was one of those people who look so put together. alas, i am not one of those people. i look like i rolled out of bed and fell into whatever was closest to me. if fact, i had a pair of underwear stuck to my jeans for about 5 subway stops today.

when it rains, you get wet.

just because you are in your car, doesn't mean i can't see you. please put your shirt on.

and consider pants.

i always catch the end of a crime.

it is a pretty awesome feeling to know you ruined someone's day by simply walking.

i have such power!

i try to have a zen approach to life.

some people do not enjoy the sounds of a bamboo flute early in the morning.

the words bimbo and bamboo are very close to each other.

in that regard, some people do not enjoy the sounds of a bimbo in the morning, either.

it is possible to fail and succeed at the same time. it will just give you a massive headache if you attempt to understand how, so take my word for it.

being physically fit is exhausting.

i'm not intimidated easily. i just prefer to quit.

did you know that it is possible to walk the same route every day and still get lost?

jenna theatre - at the movies, finally getting ready to watch harry potter, running slightly late, jenna decided to stop at the concession stand. there is one couple in front of her about to order.
woman - i'd like a large popcorn and a large diet pepsi.
concession dude - i'm sorry, we don't have any more diet soda.
woman - no diet soda?
concession dude - none
woman - about seltzer, do you have seltzer?
concession dude - of course we have seltzer.
woman - alright, i'll have one of those then, if you don't have any diet soda.
(transaction is completed, jenna's turn)
jenna - hi i'd like a medium popcorn and a large seltzer.
concession dude - we don't have a seltzer.
jenna - what?
concession dude - yeah, it's out, but we have pepsi, diet pepsi...
jenna - but you don't have seltzer.
concession dude - nope.
jenna - and you have diet pepsi.
concession dude - you got it
jenna - (stares blankly at him then walks away)

i have a great idea. let's bring a 4 year old to the late night showing of harry potter and let them run up and down the aisle and start crying and screaming for you while you make out with your partner in the back.

and you wonder why your child will decapitate birds.

i guess i should be more concerned about repeating myself, but you probably weren’t listening anyway.

i know i wasn't.


PunkRockRunner said...

Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, you're a humble bitch?

Another home run Jenna!

I'm off to Google a "bimbo flute".

I assume it attracts bimbos and I am always willing to lower the bar so low that you're in danger of tripping over it.

Thanks for making my Wednesday!


blackstocks said...

Way to go jenna! I liked this one an exceptional amount.

Your flows were hysterical and Jenna theater was to die for! Sounds like the whole Harry Potter experience was one to remember.

I cannot believe that your building did a fire drill on 9/11. What on earth were they thinking!

You are definitely my favorite.

Jocelyn said...

Nice job sister. Never go to that movie theater again. EVER.

Lauren said...

On getting lost- I do it ALL the time. But you already knew that.

Love the story about the movie theater guy. And then you just walk away. Hah.

You have a way with words, lady! Another excellent post. :)

Run2NY said...

I like this one a lot :)

And.. I cant believe they did a fire drill on 9 Sep..? what is with that..?

But anyway... big smiley face :)

Anne said...

I'll buy your satirical random-ness when you decide to put it into a book. so entertaining!

PunkRockRunner said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
PunkRockRunner said...

After re-reading this I have to agree with Anne. This stuff has got to be published in a book one day.

A funny read!

Comment #1 & #7 - Score!!

Michelle said...

My fav today:
sometimes i wish i was one of those people who look so put together. alas, i am not one of those people. i look like i rolled out of bed and fell into whatever was closest to me. if fact, i had a pair of underwear stuck to my jeans for about 5 subway stops today.

Were they the sexy Victoria's Secret underwear or the granny panties you usually wear??? :O)


Your awesomely funny and you make me giggle!!!

Anonymous said...

"being physically fit is exhausting" --- too funny, true, but very funny. Well done.

Run2NY said...

oh my! apologies from the australian chick who always messes up the dates cause we write them the opposite way. i meant to type sep 11 not 9. sometimes my mind and fingers are just not in sync and i slip back to commonwealth habits. no wonder i was confused when submitting my comment, it just wasnt right. can i have a diet pepsi please?

Meya said...

This is seriously one of the funniest if not THE funniest.

Nicole said...

AMAZING! I love love love reading these posts! They crack me up btw!!! :)

Great job on your half today too!