Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Art of Smiling Sweetly to Swedish Fish

you never notice the way a toilet flushes until it doesn't.

i find the escalator depressing this morning.

moving slow is for the dead.

you are only capable of doing great things when you are asked not to.

sometimes people will tell you a story, no matter how hard you try to avoid hearing it.

hiding will not help.

even if you’re under your desk at work.

when choosing a hiding spot, make sure you have a plausible reason for being there, should you be found.

i wish i had the ability to grow my ears.

i can grow a chia pet.

sometimes being friends with you is like ripping off a band-aid. i know it's going to hurt, but i can't seem to stop looking at the wound.

i hate when people tell me i have a problem with drinking. i don’t have a problem with it.

the only people have problems with drinking are the people who don't do it right.

i miss number 2 pencils.

which is the ultimate act of cruelty? telling someone you saw a cockroach run behind their bed, or not telling them you saw a cockroach run behind their bed?

sometimes life is nothing but a box of screws.

you never know when you’re going to need power tools.

you honestly make the simplest thing seem like quantum physics.

lucky for you, i took a few classes back in the day.

i'm a friend of foe.

disney has made me have sympathy for subway rats.

it takes a certain type of person to shred documents.

i wish there was pie.

you should always wish for pie.

some people love when the sun shines in their room in the morning. i say fuck that shit sun, and i draw the curtains.

not like a sketch or anything.

do you want me to draw the curtains or draw the curtains?

the world may never know.

i used to want to be original growing up. then i changed my mind.

i wish i could change it back.

i can never seem to spare some change.

spare change can change your mind.

unless you're mine. then there is no room for error.

or a low bank account.

when i’m depressed, all my thoughts are in song lyric form.

saran wrap is my mortal enemy.

having bangs is like having a puppy that isn’t house broken.

i hate when i accomplish something extremely difficult and there is no one there to tell me how fucking awesome i am.

i usually try to gather a crowd and then do it again.

when you look at me that way, even my mind shutters.

no means no. yes also means no, when said with that inflection.

i hate when people are all noble and shit. this usually means i have to be too.

i'm a pretty secure person, until my computer asks me if i'm sure i want to do that action. i think i do? i don’t know. do i? fuck you windows.

what happened to the self-centered girl i know you to be?

you don’t tickle my fancy, but don’t take it personally. i’m not very ticklish.

i miss the good old days when all you needed to have fun was a t-bird.

this week in jenna theatre, jenna is at the front desk at her job answering the phones after lunch. a call comes in.
jenna – *name of the job has been removed*
man – hello there this is john johnson* (name has been changed, but it was just this ridiculous)
jenna – hello
man – hi. i’m interested in applying for a grant for this year.
jenna – ok, well our current application deadline has passed.
man – oh, yeah i saw it on the website.
jenna – yeah…
man - can i still apply?
jenna – not for this year’s competition
man – ok, but i didn’t apply.
jenna – right
man – well, let me tell you a little bit about myself and my idea….i am a world famous photographer and instead of wasting my time in fashion, i want to go and help children and society and pain and suffering and (he continues talking about some grandiose idea and his credentials as a photographer and artist….jenna tunes him out and begins playing bejeweled)
man – don’t you think this is exactly the kind of project your foundation would want to sponsor? doesn’t this sound like a brilliant idea?
jenna – yes! (jenna gets a high score in bejeweled!) yeah, no, it sounds great.
man – it would be a real shame for it not to get funding.
jenna – sure would
man – so, i can apply?
jenna – next year’s competition…

sometimes you knock and nobody is home.

sometimes you knock and someone answers the door in nothing but their underwear.


Jocelyn said...

hiding always helps me :)
I'll buy you pencils for christmas, but you have to forget so its a surprise!
I liked Jennas theater. That guy was smart.
great job sister! :) Now, write me a book!

PunkRockRunner said...

Wow! This was a long (and funny) one!. As I consider the ability to make me laugh a huge accomplishment I hereby decree that you, Jenna, are AWESOME.

Why not just "open" the curtains? "drawing" them seems so snooty don't you think?

Thanks for making Wednesday awkwardly funny!


PS - It was a rat AND a cockroach.

blackstocks said...

Gah! Number 3!! Stupid phone interrupting my reading. Jenna this one was fantastic. some of the funniest lines ever.

I love that Disney movies has made you feel sympathetic towards subway rats. I feel the same way. And the line about being awesome with no one around had me cracking up! I actually almost got in trouble at work because I told someone they couldn't use my computer because I was in the middle of an important project...then they heard me laughing out loud...oops.

I love jenna happy its become a weekly thing. I think you could publish an entire book of just Jenna theater. hilarious!

Run2NY said...

Another great post! And I so understand re the bangs...

Anonymous said...

Oh noble crack me up. I will now draw the curtain and hide under my desk. Never a dull moment in "Jenna Theatre". Josie

Lauren said...

I love all the word play---draw the curtains, spare change, awesome stuff!
And having bangs is definitely the biggest pain in the ass.
Once again, Jenna theater never fails to disappoint!

Meya said...

Jenna theatre was freakin' awesome! Hee hee hee hee heeeeeee! Again, what can I say but, really funny. Subway rats, curtains....etc. Oh, and by the way, there is NOT a cockaroach behind your bed....

Bask said...

I read:

"The Art of Smiling Sweetly to Swedish Fish"


"The Art of Smiling Sweetly to Swedish Chef."

Bork bork bork.